Home
As with all babies (or at least from hear-say since James is my first) bringing James home from the hospital was followed by a period of learning and getting to know one another and figuring out this whole parenting thing. It changes your relationship with your spouse, your friends, and even yourself. At first I didn't think I'd ever be able to juggle it all, and thinking about the added responsibilities coming up with going back to work I still get scared, but I have to remind myself to live in the moment. For right now I've got it mostly figured out... I think. And when I add in work, I'll adjust and find my new normal again.
Adjusting
Chris and I have been prioritizing dates without the baby and are lucky to have loved ones willing to help us out with that. It was hard at first because all our time was spent on the baby and with the lack of sleep, our alone time in the evenings was becoming "personal down time". That's good, and needed, but after a few weeks we realized we hadn't actually been spending any time together and we missed each other. But we've always put a big emphasis on communication in our relationship so we were able to talk it out and find ways of being together without giving up our hobbies.
Our dog, Max (more of a small horse with the personality of a lap dog crossed with a squirrel) has adjusted to the new little guy. Believe me, that was a learning curve and a half. Trying to wrangle a dog that is literally the same size as me, while holding a baby, and letting people into the house without having them bowled over is NOT easy... the door to one of our basement rooms has some war wounds from days when it served as his playpen during shorter visits. I was really nervous going into it, but Max has proved to be a pretty good dog around the baby. For the most part they're just indifferent to one another, but Max does have moments of jealousy, when he really just wants visitors to give HIM the attention, not just the baby. Particularly with my mom for some reason. When she comes over he's stand right between her and James and rub up against her legs like a cat so that she has to pay attention to him. lol! The one thing that still drives me crazy though is his insistence on barking at EVERYTHING that passes in front of our house. Let's just say, James doesn't really nap during the day... I'm usually pretty good about it but he does get the occasional dirty look.
Motherhood
Growing up I never wanted to get married. My mom always told me "I give you permission to change your mind". Then one day I met Chris and my mind was changed. I also said I would never be a mother. And my mom always told me "I give you permission to change your mind". Then that wonderful man I married changed my mind. I still wasn't sure if I was going to be very good at it, or (dare I admit) like it... but I have been LOVING it! I get so much joy from playing with James, helping stimulate his senses, researching how to help him the best that I can. Even the stay-at-home/mom stuff like cooking and cleaning have been a lot of fun! I'm definitely getting in touch with my inner domestic diva!
I did learn through all this that I really didn't know how to cook. I mean, I had the basics down, but Chris is such a good cook that I'd do the grocery shopping, tell him what to make (because I like to eat really healthy), and he'd do it. I was involved JUST enough so that I didn't even realize that I wasn't actually the one cooking! lol. So I've learned a lot.
I've learned how to take the membrane off of back ribs, how to use a slow cooker, and have come to realize I burn almost everything that needs to been stirred constantly or watched closely when I've got a baby to love at the same time.
I've learned how to remove all kinds of stains, eat meals in record time, and do almost everything with one hand. I have a baby carrier but James is NOT a fan.
People warned me that I'd go stir crazy and I want to get out of the house, but with all the doctors appointments, and simple things like getting groceries I usually crave more time at home so I can actually put in some quality time with James and not just cart him around and pacify him in public spaces. But my mom has been a big help to me with all the outings, as she comes with us every time to make sure we can get a good parking spot, or drop us off at the door when the weather is bad. She has been such a blessing.
I think one of the more difficult things has been handling other people. With his clothes on, he looks like a normal, healthy baby! And for the most part, he is. But the scars aren't my only reminder of how scary our start was with James. Every few days or so his completion will go all dusky and his hands and feet with turn a frightening shade of purple/blue, a sign of the on-going concerns that cardiology are still monitoring for future surgeries. Or there's seeing his face contort with pain when people would grab him under the arms to pick him up instead of under then bum and head like we've asked him too because his chest is help together with ties. Or how people forget to wash their hands, or are sick when they hold him.
During his surgery they had to remove (and donate for research) most of his Thymus gland. It's not like most glands in the endocrine system whose primary function is to produce hormones. The Thymus is linked more closely to the lymphatic system in producing T-cells which boost your immune system. This leaves him much more susceptible to infection and disease which is why most cardiac babies are approved for the RSV booster. I certainly don't want him living in a sterile environment, but we have to be careful about how and when germs are introduced since his immune system is at a much larger disadvantage than most other children.
And I never realized until being a mom how scary a cold could be. A month ago James got his first cold, and I truly hadn't been that scared since we had been in the hospital. There were moments when his nose was so stuffed he couldn't breathe at all. I stayed in his room several nights and didn't sleep at all for fear of what might happen if I were to fall asleep. But between a doctors visit, nasal drops, and a nasal aspirator, we made it through.
Oh, and we had the added adventure of being in a crazy car accident when he was 11 weeks old too. Fortunately for us, I drive a "big ass truck". The guy who hit me totalled his vehicle and set off his airbags. Our airbags didn't go off but he did cause $7,300 of damage. So that meant even more doctors appointments to make sure he was ok from that too.
It goes without saying that new moms don't get much sleep. It's amazing how getting up at 12am, 3am, 5 am, etc becomes normal. You almost don't even notice how tired you are... until you look in a mirror, or start crying when you watch the season finale of Friends, or can't string together a coherent sentence. And for the most part James is a pretty good sleeper, but just when I get used to his schedule he goes ahead and throws me a night of getting up every hour, or just getting up at a different hour than usual and pulls me out of my deeper sleep cycle. Fortunately he's finally starting to figure out the nap thing, so I can usually manage to get a workout in while he's asleep #naptimehussle
Exercise is a really big part of my life and having a baby was not going to change that for me. I knew that if I wasn't filling my tank I wouldn't have anything to give to him. It isn't about getting back my pre-baby body. It's about living a strong, healthy life. To be an example for James, and give me the energy to keep up with him!
But pregnancy really does a number on your body. It took 9 months to grow my little peanut, and I'm finding my postpartum fitness journey has become an opportunity to meet and learn my new body. It's different. It feels different. It even moves different. My ribcage is finally going back to it's normal size but my clothes fit differently than they did before. Running feels so different. When I first got out there I was so disheartened I didn't know how to handle it. When did running get so hard?! I ran right up until the day I gave birth, so why am I struggling now? When will running be fun again and not just a huge physical and mental challenge? Running is always difficult, but I am no where near where I left off, and road back has been very humbling. It's starting to get there but it's still hard. Thankfully I've already gone through the process of being over-weight to getting in shape, so I know what it takes and how to get there again. I just have to be patient with myself.
More To Come
The next few days will have some very important doctors appointments for us, regarding the possibility of more surgery. And we've had some big changes in our personal lives since bringing James home. I'll be throwing up some more updates as we go along. But for now, this is where we are and we are grateful for every moment, every smile, every giggle, and every hug we get to share with our little boy.