First, I've been working full time and I find that at the end of the day I'm just completely wiped. I've still been getting in my workouts but I have to take a nap before I even think about running or lifting or even just cleaning my house! But I'm exceptionally grateful for the consistent work.
Second, I've had a hard time dealing with some things in my personal life that have really taken me to some dark places. But that being said, this update isn't going to be a depressing tale of gloom because God has provided just enough right when I needed it most.
After my last post I began to spiral into a very dark place emotionally. Appointments weren't going the way I had hoped. Things were getting ridiculously tight financially with a series of unexpected expenses that hit hard. The car still hadn't (and hasn't) sold, one of our windows broke when we were trying to seal it for the winter, our dishwasher (which has been fixed multiple times) was slowly dying, and our microwave died. Chris was busy with work because of volleyball season and never seeing each other was putting strain on our relationship when we had all this external stress weighing on us too. I couldn't cope with it anymore. I felt like an empty shell of the person I once was. I had no passion, no energy, no desire to get up in the morning. I felt like I was the biggest screw up in life. That everyone would be so much better off without me. That this baby I had prayed for when we couldn't conceive was sick because of me. I didn't even want to pray anymore because clearly I was screwing that up too. I knew I couldn't handle any added stress or pressure so I completely withdrew from life. I wouldn't talk to my friends, I wouldn't even talk to Chris. I just knew that if something went wrong, if someone got upset with me for absolutely anything I was going to break completely.
But I'm not afraid to admit when I can't handle it on my own and sought out help. God says he won't let us be tested beyond what we can bear, but he never said it would be something we had to bear alone. So in my emptiness I cried out to God, and he spoke to me through the support of my mom. There is one week in there that I don't know I could have survived if my mom hadn't been there for me. My problems weren't solved over night though: I was completely depleted emotionally, physically, and financially.
But help did come, and just when I needed it most. Emotionally, with the support of my parents and my best friend Julie I was able to get out of my funk enough to rebuild a bit of confidence in myself. Chris and I were able to talk out the stressful issues that had been weighing on us and made time to have fun together again. My friends stepped up and approached me even when I was being distant. And we received a financial blessing from Chris' family that could not have been more perfectly timed. It was incredible! Just when I thought I was going to break completely, God stepped in used the people in my life to provide for every single one of my worries. Not to say everything is perfect now, but I'm in a place now where I can feel at least some control in my life again.
Medical Update
On Monday, November 2nd, Chris and I had a full day of appointments at the Health Sciences Centre. Our day started with echocardiogram from our cardiologist. The good news is there is no new news. Nothing has changed, but there also don't appear to be any added complications and we were told not to anticipate any additional conditions. Also... there is a SLIGHT chance they may let me hold my baby before he flies to Edmonton! I can't tell you what that would mean to me...
After this we met with our social worker who helped explain the financial assistance we would be receiving, how travel arrangements would be made, etc. We found out we qualify for a special EI assistance called PCIC (parents of critically ill children). Because I made significantly more money last year working on term contract as a teacher than I do currently as a sub I'll be starting my mat leave in two weeks to maximize our EI claim and essentially the PCIC will put my 15 weeks of maternity leave on hold from when baby is born until he is discharged allowing us to extend the leave.
This meeting was followed by a tour of the NICU in Winnipeg where baby will be spending some time before and after his trip to Edmonton. It's an overwhelming sight so I was glad I had already been to the NICU at the Stollery and knew what to expect. But the nursing staff all seemed really wonderful and I feel confident in the care we will receive there.
After our lunch break we went for our fetal assessment. Baby is growing steadily but he is small. At the time he was measuring 32 weeks when he should have been 33. But they told me that doesn't effect his due date, just means that he's small. Small sounds great for delivery, but we would love him to have some extra weight if possible. The surgery and recovery will likely cause him to lose weight, and then when we start to bottle/breast feed him to get him off the feeding tube he's likely to lose weight again. So we're praying our strong little man will get a bit bigger before he decides to show up. Their physical assessment of me showed that I'm still healthy as a horse and they have no concerns about me.
And finally our day ended by meeting the head of the neonatology department. He went through what kind of care to expect during delivery and transition to Edmonton, and was probably the most informative meeting of the day. He was able to answer a lot of our questions and gave us the best picture of what to expect when we go into labour.
To be completely honest, we got a lot of conflicting answers to our questions throughout the day. But what we took from the meetings was that they really can't give us an idea of how things will be because it is a unique case. So much depends on how baby is doing in that moment. And while we will definitely have to advocate for ourselves to make sure we're getting the care we need, they will take good care of us and we are so blessed to have this kind of medical coverage as Canadians.
I still have more to update but I'll save that for tomorrow. So stay tuned. More to come tomorrow, including a Bump-Date!
"...God is faithful; he will not let you be tested beyond what you can bear. But when you are tested, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"Consider it joy, when you are faced with trials of many kinds, because the testing of your faith develops perseverance. And let perseverance continue its work so that you can be complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4